There is a God, and His name is Wonderful

Well, it appears that God does care about me. For the last few days I’ve been having this feeling that I need to tell my friend Dan about my struggles. Dan is probably my best friend I’ve made since high school. I met him a couple years ago in my ward and we served in FHE, now we work together in activities. Dan really wanted me to move in with him last semester, but I didn’t mostly because I was afraid of my attraction for him.

Anyways the last few days have been really rough for me. I posted about my dream, and the anxiety and self-hatred has been at its highest level in months. Work has been torture. Basically everything has been sucking.

Dan has made me his project—in a good way. He is always encouraging me in my dating, and we have a ton of fun together. When came back from being in Mexico for four months, he saw that I had gained a lot of weight, and kept working on me ‘til I accepted to play racquetball with him each week. Really Dan has been a great friend. The thing I value most about Dan is how he pushes me to become more than I am. He doesn’t shy away from telling me I really don’t need that second donut, or that its been a while since I’ve gone to the temple.

So today I sent Dan a chat message, asking if he would give me a blessing. I figured I needed the help for all the depression and anxiety I’ve been going through. Plus I’ve been feeling week in the gospel. He replied, “Sure, but lets go to the temple first.” So we went to the Provo temple and had a good time doing initiatories. I was already feeling a little better. Then we went back to his place. He asked what the deal was and I first mentioned my anxiety and depression, and how tough it had been. We talked about that. Then it took forever, but I finally told him about my same gender attraction, and how it tied into it all.

To Dan’s credit, he didn’t wince, or act shocked at all. He told me about his dating relationships class, where they listed all their relationships and had to choose one to work on this semester. The one he chose was me. God was preparing both of us for this. He had already set some goals of going to the temple once a week together, working out during the week, and going on one double date a month. I agreed to all these. So much pressure had been released. God had a hand in this on both sides. He asked if the way we always talked about girls made it tough. I told him I liked it, and needed help figuring out women. Then he gave me the blessing.

I haven’t made a friend like Dan in the last ten years. But God prepared a friend for me, now in one of the hardest times of my life. God really does bless us, and watch over us. I don’t know why I’ve fought this for ten years, and how much longer I’ll have to, but God’s hand is in it, and I thank him for it.

I’m grateful for a God who knows every aspect of my life. I’m thankful for a God who sends people into my introverted life to help me. And I’m thankful for a friend who, instead of being permissive, sees my potential as God’s son and encourages me to reach for it.

PS I know I have yet to blog on how my talk went with my parents. Its coming. I think.

I want to live!

I should have written this up this morning right after it happened, but I'm lazy, now I've forgotten some of the dream, But I think i remember enough.

As a preface to the dream, last night I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. I was in my car heading to ward FHE, and the circular negative thoughts started to intensify. It was like a teatherball kept passing through my head, each hit was thoughts of, "you fag" or other negative things. I started to shake and convulse as thoughts of me having sex with some of my good straight friends pounded into my head. I couldn't stop them, so I writhed in my reclined car seat for a while.

I finally made it into fhe at the church, but went to straight to an empty room, set up some chairs and laid there with the lights off. Once I got settled down I went and played dodgeball. Best part of the last 24 hours.

I'm sure the break down had an effect on this dream. I remember in the dream hating my homosexual feelings. Walking around trying to figure out what to do. Lots of people told me to give in, that I would never be happy if I didn't and I would end up killing myself. I didn't want to ,but they persisted.
So then I went to people who would encourage me not to give in, my family and freinds. I mentioned the idea of suicide and they seemed to think it was a good idea, that if I killed myself I would be free of the pain. Religious leaders even said I would be free of the same gender attraction after I left this life.
Eventually I found myself on the edge of a large bottomless pit. It was black, but had a swirling vortex in it. I saw things sucked into it, into oblivion. I was seriously contemplated ending it all, and jumping into the pit. I knew if I did things would be better. I was afraid of what God would think, I asked Him. He said i could do it that everything would be ok if I did.

There I was on the edge of the vortex, everyone in the world, and the world beyond said I should do it. then I thought of my life. I thought of the joy I have with my family. I thought of the family I believe awaits me in this life. I thought of the potential I have to acheive all my other goals. The joy in life, that we forget about when we are in the midst of trials. I yelled to the throngs around the pit who waited to see what I would do, "I want to live" and walked away.

More happened in the dream, but I don't remember it clearly. I think i went to all my friends and family and told them why I wanted to live

I WANT TO BE CLEAR. I don't think this was a vison, I think it was just my mind trying to figure out what it wants. But I've decided, even with the crappiness of depression, anxiety and loneliness. I want to live! and I will.

Note from dad. Sexual attraction is not the most important past of a marriage. Love and service is.

Tellin my parents

I'm tellin my parents tommorrow. I think it'll go fine, but if anyone feels like praying that it will, i'd appreciate it.

Jake

Dedicated to My Roommate (whom I actually get along well with)

Tis the night be for the final
Poetry is coming due
And I sit here writing, rhyming—chatting with my roommate too.
“Poetry?” he says, “You’re gay man. Do you do ballet as well?”
Smack! My fist conveys my answer as I ring his dull thick bell.

Its true!

Yep, the Temple Ordinances, the Joseph Smith Story, The Book of Mormon, heck the entire gospel is true. Great weekend starting with my first temple session in a couple months, ending with watching the Emma Smith movie. This plan of salvation really is that pearl of great price. God lives, loves us, and is there for us. That is all, have a good night.

Dark Voices

“I hate you--you worthless scum. You ought to die. I don’t even know why you’re here. You never accomplish anything. All you do is sit there, sniveling, whimpering. What are you a dog? Well why don’t you say anything. Piece of crap!”

The acerbic voice yanked me from my dreams. What was going on. I tried to gather myself. I turned to the right looking for my alarm clock. Couldn’t find it. Turned left, oh there it is. That’s right. I wasn’t in the Missionary Training Center anymore. I was in Marietta Ohio, my first night in the mission field. I glanced over at Elder Goodwin, my companion. He was still asleep. I wasn’t surprised. He hardly seemed to be the type that’d say such things. Maybe I’d just dreamt, it. No, that can’t be. I’d been dreaming of my dog Spartacus, a fearless Pomeranian, jut before I’d woken up. Man I missed Spartacus. He’d always come and wake me up in the morning by pulling the socks off my feet, then barking in my ear until I got out of bed and took him to relieve himself.

Speaking of which I could use some relief. I got out of bed, stubbing my toe on Elder Goodwin’s barbell. “Bananas,” I cursed under my breath. Glad to see I’d broken my habit of using harsher words and continued to the business room. I didn’t hear the voice anymore that night, and quickly fell back to sleep.

The next morning over a bowl of Luck Charms, I spoke with Elder Goodwin. “Dude, I heard this crazy voice last night.”

“Elder, Don’t you mean Elder.”

“Well I don’t think it was an elder, you were asleep.”

“No, I mean we aren’t dudes out here. We’re elders.”

“Whatever. So tell me did the good Elder Goodwin happen to hear any voices whilst the elder slept on the elder’s bed? Sir Elder.

He snorted his Fruit Loops. “You’re such a dork.”

“Oh, so we can be dorks, but not dudes. I don’t get it.”

I told him about it. He hadn’t heard it and passed it off as a nervous greenie. We went through the day, spent most of it tracting. But we did have a dinner appointment with Bill, the member that lived in the house above our basement apartment. Bill was a bachelor, fresh out of college. I was excited when I saw the pizza; Elder Goodwin didn’t see quite so excited.

“So what do you do Bill?” I asked. Elder Goodwin kicked me under the table.

“Oh I’m looking for a job right now. The economy is pretty tight right now. Its been hard to find anything. Hope I do soon or I’ll have to move back into my parents. Like anyone wants to do that.”

We moved on to other topics. Elder Goodwin made me provide the thought. I shared Ether 12:27 and we left.

Training with Elder Goodwin went very well. He was a good elder with a strange sense of humor. He never really talked about home, in fact whenever I would bring up my home, he’d just get quiet.

About four weeks later I was awoken with a thud. I groped for my clock. It was 1 am. I was sure the thud came from upstairs, Bill’s Apartment.

“You’re pathetic!” Piece of Crap. You don’t do anything right.” The venom poured down the air vent into our bedroom. “Be a man. Do something with your life.”

Then there was a second voice, answering the first. It was weak, pleading, almost at the breaking point. “Leave me alone. I’m a good person. Shut Up!”

“You, a good person? You don’t have a job, you don’t have a girl friend; you’re going to live with mommy and daddy. What value do you have? No one cares about you. No one likes you. You’re a worm, a sick little worm writhing on the sidewalk after a storm. You have no shelter. You are worse than nothing. You suck the goodness out of things.”

“Shut up, people like me. I have friends, I make people happy.”

“Oh really. You must be talking about the old people at the bingo hall. You really thing they care? You really think they would notice if you were gone. Can’t old Bob Wodskow just go back to calling the numbers, or is that why you have the degree? Four years in school so you can give old ladies with crooked teeth a candy bar for blackout. They can’t even eat it. “

I barely heard the next voice. “I hate you. I hate you so much.” There was a thundering cacophony. It sounded like miniature horses pounding in the ground. It only lasted a few seconds. Then things were quiet.

I looked over at Elder Goodwin. He was sitting up in his bed. “We need to go up there.”

The door was locked, but Elder Goodwin quickly jimmied it with his debit card. The lights were out as we crept into Bill’s apartment. My heart was pumping. Elder Goodwin was massaging his knuckles. We worked our way through the house. Entry way, study, kitchen. Then we saw Bill. Curled up in a ball at the bottom of the stairs. His muscles were convulsing. I didn’t see any blood but his arm had an extra bend in it between the elbow and wrist. We ran over to him. “Bill are you ok?” All he did was whimper. I touched his shoulder, and he jumped. Each breath shook his entire body.

“Who did this too you,” Elder Goodwin asked?

Bill just looked at us. He wanted to say something, but couldn’t get it out. Finally after stuttering he said, “Its kind of bad isn’t it”

“Yeah, we heard you yelling with the guy who was it? Is he still here?”

“Sounded like he knew you? What was he doing here?”

Bill looked away. “ It was me. I’ve been feeling really down lately, not being able to get a job and all. My brother told me I must not be motivated enough. That I just needed to try harder. I started to believe him. So I’d try to get motivated by pointing out all the bad thing I’d done that day. All the time I wasted. All the mistakes I made talking to potential employers. At first it seemed to help. I used my time better. But then I started finding more and more things that I was screwing up. I thought I just needed more motivation, so I stated yelling. When I started hitting myself I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn’t stop. The dark voice in my head took on a life of its own. Seeking out weaknesses from years ago. Even turning the good things I did into insults. I wanted to stop it, but it is just so strong. Its insidious. It pops up just at the times I need confidence. I don’t know how many opportunities I’ve thrown away because of this voice. But I can’t stop it. Whenever I’m alone, it is there.”

We gave Bill a blessing and got him a ride to the hospital. After Bill got back he’d come down to our apartment for scripture study. We didn’t hear any more voices in the night and Bill slowly got better. By the time I left Mariettta six months later he had a job, sure it was at Wal Mart, but he seemed happy.