you know the message i needed.  That i was not alone in this trial.  I didn't really understand that until i was 27, 28ish, when i found Northstar.  But looking back i can remember on my mission begging for some guidance or help, and that scripture coming to me in multiple ways.

The one "there is no temptation given unto you but is common to man"  and but God is faithful, and will provide a way .

If i could have internalized that when i was 20, it would have been better.  But i'm glad i've learned it now. 

A unique and suprising sacrament meeting

The Following took place in November

It was supposed to be a normal boring sunday.  Meetings at 9 am, church til 4 and stay at the building for a while.

Well during sacrament meeting, i started to get promptings that i should share my struggle with same gender attraction with the ward.

At first i put it off.  said i was just being dumb.  But it was persistent.  What surprised me was that it was not overly strong.  But just persistent enough for me to know... God wants you to do this.

I examined why.  Was it because the Art had told his ward?  no, cause i really didn’t want to do it.  Was it because i wanted attention?  no.  I get enough of that, and i have good friends.  In fact the idea of telling the whole ward scared the crap out of me.

But it felt right then, it was an idea planted by the Holy Ghost.  And it feels right now.

I sent the bishop a text, confirming that it was something i should do.  You know, the mouths of two or three witnesses and all that.

I thought he’d be my out, say “nahh, don’t to that.”

His text response... “follow the prompting.”

i got scared.  I knew if i was going to be a person who did what God wanted, i’d have to tell the ward.  I looked at the Pi-rat, sitting next to me.  Was like, crap, he’ll know.  and so will tons of people.  He noticed a change in me, asked what was up.  Told him i had a prompting to do something i didn’t want to do.  He was supportive, i asked him to still be my friend afterwards.

I walked up, cracked my knuckles, and told about how we all have challenges in life, and how the Lord loves us, knows what we go through, but how each of us will have a different trial that is unique to us, but will push us to our limits.  But that we can be faithful.  I bore testimony of prophets, Smith, kimball, hinckley, monson, mckay.  And of the divinity of the plan of salvation, of families, and the proclamation on the family.

Then i paused.  Looked at all my friends sitting around in the congregation. Made eye contact with almost all of them. And did it.  “I deal with same gender attraction”

It makes things harder that are easier for many of you.  But I know that what i deal with doesn’t matter, what matters is following God and Christ, and the gospel.  It will bring happiness, no matter how difficult it is to follow.  said a few other things, but that was the jist of it. Was pretty forceful

then went and sat down.  

Left a little later before the meeting was over.

couldn't believe i’d done that.  Walked around in the cultural hall.

sat in a room.  Had Zona go talk to Pi-rat, make sure thing were ok.

Then went back in.

So many hugs, brother smith saw me before i made it in, and told me i was his hero.  and it took courage.  so much stuff going on.

but all positive.  --------- hugged me.  A few people didn’t know what to say, but all were nice.  no one seemed to think anything less of me.

Bishop send me a text saying the ward loved me,a dn that i’d done a good job

------------, a man who has lived the lifestyle before, thanked me for my words, as well as others who also have trials.  ------,----------,---------- and a plethora of girls supported me, the girls hugged.

So weird. to think i did it.

But it felt right,and it still does

Even though i don’t know what the future holds.

PS  God really did help me with what to say.  I felt supported, i did not freeze up, like i have when just telling one person, and people said what i said was good and supportive. Not focused on the sga.

PSS
I’ve really enjoyed the ward just treating me normal.  and a little nicer than normal too.  Hanging out after ward prayer was great.  Just fun times.  I can see a lot of care from the ward.  Girls want hugs, and guys are just being cool about it, which is how most guys are.

WHile i do appreciate the people who have wanted to talk about it, i also appreciate the people who just come up and have a fun conversation about zombies, or sports or whatever.

PPSS

I hear Bishop was crying during it.  

PPSSS

THe response from the ward has continued to be great.  So many people have been nice, most the girls have given me hugs, and said nice things, most the guys have just treated me normal, or gone out of their way to talk about stuff i like, as i said before, just showing that they don’t reject me, and that things are not going to be different has been great.

I mean i freaking sat in FHE tonight, and it was normal.  everyone treated me normal.  not a single person has had anything negative to say.  or even acted negatively.  
I love the  ward, and the bishopric.  Bishop  has been a great support, for this and other things.


Gotta be strong.  temptation will still be there.

First Gift of my SGA

One of the blessings of my sga is i have the gift to be able to listen.  

I listened to the Pi Rat, and his girl problems, and successes, I listened to squid and his girl problems, and i listened to the artist and his friend issues.  I think i helped in each situation by listened and trying to understand.  

It felt good

There is still "no going back"

"no going back" The title of a book i read about a young SGA boy in oregon. The idea is there is no going back, once people know.

It's a good warning. I was talking my new roommate tonight, and the subject turned to "gay" not sga. I tried to converse as best i could, make good points, and not show i was very aware of all the issues. At one point the thought came into my head, "ahh, just tell him. This is a great opportunity"

I didn't act. I've thought about telling him, he's a friend, and we have a common friend who is gay. I may tell him.

BUT it will be planned, not just a impulse.

Now you may say, "but the timing was perfect, it'll be awkward to bring it up later"

I actually think the timing would be more awkward to "come out" in a conversation that is non personal and detached. we're discussing it abstract, and suddenly to make it about me woudl be different.

So if i tell him, which is a real possibility, i'll realize there is "no going back" you can't close this door after it's opened. I'll pray about it, and set up a time we can talk. Then I'll act, not be acted up.

Anyway, just some thoughts late at night. Telling people has been great for me, but i want to be wise, and thoughtful about who i tell, because, one thing is for certain, it changes things in the relationship, for good or bad.

 

 

Here is the book

 

v1k0u6: future,

v1k0u6: unknown

v1k0u6: faithful

v1k0u6: strongly likely

v1k0u6: happy

v1k0u6: strong

v1k0u6: i don't know

v1k0u6: alive

v1k0u6: probably

v1k0u6: friends

v1k0u6: please

v1k0u6: hope

v1k0u6: maybe

v1k0u6: bitter

v1k0u6: i sure hope not

v1k0u6: loved

v1k0u6: yes

v1k0u6: lover

v1k0u6: probably not

It does get better

for me through Christ, the atonement, friends, and family. Life is much better. I know that God loves me, Jesus, is my Savior and knows what I am going through, and it is possible to stay faithful to the gospel and church, while dealing with same gender attraction.

BYU-USGA Panel Thoughts

Hey Guys, here are my thoughts on the Panel from last night. I was out in the hall, but i was able to hear most of what was said.

One guy was married to a woman, but he downplayed that as "something that is extremely rare"

one of the others said they were planning on dating their own sex once the graduated and attending church because there are wards that let you do that.

the third was a girl, and i didn't quite follow her plans after byu.

the other was bisexual.

They talked about how they are converted to Jesus and the gospel, but not the church.

The 9th article of faith talks about mysteries. They implied Homosexuality may be one of these truths that will yet be revealed.

they said "don't ask someone who has just come out if they intend to live the gay lifestyle. What's the gay lifestyle even mean?"

I'll tell you what it means. Its romantically pursuing your same gender.

I guess I was frustrated.

The attendance showed just how hungry the BYU campus is for this type of info. I showed up 5 min early and the room had about 400 in it, but another 150 out side, many of whom stayed even tho they couldn't see, and had to stand.

here are some of the things i enjoyed.

seeing so many people interested in the event.

seeing people share experiences that I also had experienced, like being attracted to a friend, and the mortifying realizations that come as you're a kid.

seeing them, accepted, and seeing how they felt better about themselves.

some decent jokes

They were all members of USGA, understanding same gender attraction . a non official group that uses BYU space for its meetings. I heard some people in teh hall saying USGA actually stands for University straight gay alliance.

I found it interesting the group name has SGA, but never once did I hear them use the phrase Same gender attraction. It was always gay. I feel there is a difference.

I am thankful that they held the event. And for those who had the courage to put this on. Very brave to do so.

This is all based on my memories, and impressions. They didn't allow recording, so that's all I can go on.

I wish it would have been more of a faith promoting experience like some of the firesides, like the one held in idaho falls last year. I think BYU students would eat that up. It frustrates me that this is the main view that is presented at BYU.