?'s

Do we ever find joy?

The kind of lasting joy with permanence

Do we ever find joy?

The kinds that does not fade away

Are we relegated to slowly move from happy hill to happy hill,

With hundreds of miles of dark valley on the way


Do we ever find peace?

The kind that stays with us the night

Do we ever find Love?

The kind that lasts eternally

Do we ever find one, who loves us like no other

And does that one ever not be so gay


Do we ever find out?

What the purpose of this is

Do we ever stop hating

The drive within our sould


Do we ever not feel, like some outcast bastard son?

Will we ever find wholeness and love


Will the urges I feel?

Ever be pure and holy

Will the voices in my head?

Ever say something nice.

Will I ever be free, To climb up to my glory

Or am I doomed to be shackled for the rest of my life?


Will I ever love God, more than I do my urges

Will I ever know why, he let me be this way

Will I ever stop running, away from being happy

Will I ever even stop, and know the way


Will I ever not fear, the end of my story?

Will I ever be strong enough to pass through the day

Without doubts of myself, and doubts of His Glory

Will His Love ever stay, and keep dark away


When I Lie on my bed, after a life of ages

Will I be all alone, as I pass away

Will my family be dreams, just a made up story

Will I have what I need, to make it to that day


Does God really care, about people like me

Does God have a plan, that makes sense of pain

Does God really know, when im doing poorly

Does he love me enough, to show me the way.


I guess that he has, and he sent a Savior

Who bought my soul, with blood dropped pain

As he carried the cross, he carried my glory

If I make it through, to that judgment day.

Or so they say.

Ups and Downs

Been having some down times lately.  Some really down times.   and my ups are just times i'm not down.

But I'm working on it.  Starting counseling again.   I'll get outta this.

Again? I thought i already came out

Lots of fun stuff going on lately.  Some down, but mostly up.

Not gonna get in all of it, but after i got back from JiM i felt a few times that i might be supposed to make a voices of hope video.

Which brings up a side question of how the fam would like that.

TANGENT

so the week up in the homestead was fun.  Saw the icebro a few times.  Way fun, he photo’d the fam for a website and we went to Westland.  Saw a rodeo.  Dad decided i need a “grand endeavor”  and he is right.  I’ve been thinking about focusing on a novel, a website for readers, or getting a degree in recreational management so i can run programs.  Haven't decided yet.   Fun times with the Fam.  Got a little bogged down.   Need to make sure we don’t say mean, sarcastic things… or remember that they probably are not being mean, but are trying to get banter going--like men are wont to do.

So, kdog asked me on facebook to think about a voices of hope video.  He thought i “was ready”  whatever that means.

But considering what i’ve gone through, and how much people have helped me through their  videos, i decided to consider it.  

So it was part of my fast yesterday.  That and to find a way to pay my tithing, so i can get back to the temple.

Anyway, in ward council the idea first popped into my head.  I put it off.  Then it came up again in sacrament meeting--the idea being that i need to bear testimoney about SSA in the ward.

Odd.  I was not pleased.  I already did this last year, I don’t want the people i know to think that i am in your face about it. And i didn’t want the new peopl, which was over half, to have their introduction to the stoic russet be that i liked men.  I mean i’m ok with people knowing… but like to get to know them better first.

Well it kept being on my mind.  I was also legitimately afriad that I was doing it for attention.  

I decided to try to put it on someone else.  Texted Bro C-T who was presiding.  He was not all that helpful.  Didn’t respond, but MV did.  Said, don’t ever ignore a prompting.  So i did.

Went up there, not near as nervous this time, but still plenty nervous.  Read the fourth verse of Reverently and Meekly Now
 
4. At the throne I intercede;
For thee ever do I plead.
 have loved thee as thy friend,
With a love that cannot end.
Be obedient, I implore,
Prayerful, watchful evermore,
And be constant unto me,
That thy Savior I may be.

 Then bore testimony directly about how it is possible to live the gospel with SSA and be happy.  That it and all our trials or whatever we want to call them can be hard, but we don’t have to be miserable and sad through them.  That we can hold on to the iron rod, but still find joy in our journey.

It was good.  I felt the Spirit, and i can’t deny that God was prompting me or at least didn’t care to stop me.  

Went out, speed walked around the gym came back

Not many people said stuff after.  Which was ok. a few did.     But after sunday school and during break the fast a lot of people thanked me.  A lot of the new people.  So… who knows, nothing bad so it’s good right...yeah i think it is.  Felt way nervous and anxious after and even into the n* fireside.  But it was good.  I’m glad i did it.  I just have to maked sure i’m still going out there to get to know people, and not staying on the sideline because i’m afraid of what they are thinking.  No bad reactions.. even sat at a table with 5 new guys and made some hecka funny jokes. 

Thoughts on relationships from a long time single dude.

Been looking at love songs today, songs about deep, committed love where both sides give up, so they can meet in the middle. The type of love that endures, that heals, that lifts, that exalts.

I’m usually ok. I have good friends. Good brothers. Good support. But when I see this, deep commitment to another soul. I feel a hunger for it. A thirst. I want it. I know i'm missing something.

And then I think “well I’ll get that in heaven. God will give it to me there.”

And I think, "God I can make it if you’ll just let me know I can have that someday."

And I wait for an answer. The answer is, Maybe, if you work at it.

"What?" I think, "it’s not just a gift? I was thinking you’d just bestow it on me. Give it to me as a reward for faith and commitment."

“Maybe if you work at it.”

So who knows, it wasn’t a loud voice, it might have just been in my head, but a relationships isn’t a gift that is bestowed there is too much individuality in it. In both people, a relationship is something that grows through effort, it’s a plant that must be cultivated, not a crown that is merely worn.

So I hope to have it someday. If I work at it.

Last night

Mystic mine, misty valley, manic miners,mangy mutt poo, 'mazing music, manly men, magic fire-sky, mallows mashed, munching meat tubes, merry eve, merry night, mighty brothers, massive love for. My needs met.

Kinda Fruity

Hey guys and gals,

Just wanted to write up some of the thoughts I've had lately. This week both my dad and a good friend spoke to me about their concerns when I spend time with North Star friends and going to Journey into Manhood,  firesides, groups etc.

Both times it kinda shook me. Was I making a mistake? Was I setting myself up for failure and danger. To "fall in love".

I was scared of taking the question to God. I didn't want him to tell me to stop, because I felt like I had been getting good support and I really enjoyed it too. Felt shame leaving, and was overcoming bad habits.

Three times when I was thinking about this the phrase "by their fruits ye shall know them". And I thought. What are the fruits? What have I seen.

And if I had to boil it down, I'd say the North Star fireside last night was a prime example of the fruits I've found from North Star friends and groups.

Good Spirit from the teachings and Song. Healing inspiration in many ways and then followed by great brotherhood with so many of you for hours after.

And of course last night was not an exception.

There are so many different ways to go about this. I think looking at the fruits that WE get out of the groups and activities.

Another thought is when Joseph smith was wondering if he should translate the Apocrypha The Lord said

4 Therefore, whoso readeth it, let him understand, for the Spirit manifesteth truth;
5 And whoso is enlightened by the Spirit shall obtain benefit therefrom;
6 And whoso receiveth not by the Spirit, cannot be benefited. Therefore it is not needful that it should be translated. Amen. (Doctrine and Covenants, Section 91)

Anyway. Just my thoughts. It has been interesting to go through this process to come to a different conclusion than my dad who I look up to as a spiritual man. But I think I do need to grow and make my own way.

---------
Applicable scriptures below

Matthew 7
15 ¶Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

Galatians 5
19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. (New Testament, Galatians, Chapter 5)

It is finished

Five mountains climbed high in the bright stunning sky, as challenges to master and win,

First climb was euphoric, my body at the core it, was pumped and ready to run

second one not as easy, stomach a little queasy, what will happen, what monsters await

third one started smoothly, but fear made me woozy, was afraid twas a horrid mistake

Fourth one, was spontaneous, the climb extemporaneous, the fears slightly simmered but low

the firth was the scariest, the monsters the hairiest, the challenge i could not forgo.

quick prayer said to God, then out my foots trod, to face the shadow below

but the shadow was gone, when the summit i reached. instead i found loveness and clear

purpose in living in new meadows giving me comfort from darkness and fear

the shadow is gone now. And i hope that i know how to keep him at bay ever more

The worst of the climb was not crevice or vine, but the scared voice that said, "don't you go"

----
anyway, just got done telling my siblings. went well. really well. glad i did it, and glad i don't ever have to do that again