Orange Soda

I wish that I wouldn't ruin our friendship if I tried to make out with you. I wish that I wouldn't betray your smile if I made out with you. But were friends. And that's all. And when I have a hard time I call. And we talk and we laugh and we don't even care how much sunlight has passed Then I wish that it wouldn't ruin our friendship if I just made a pass at you. I wish that that this moment could last forever when I lock eyes with you But there's rules and they say that our friendship will just stay this way. And I'm fine well-- I'm really not, but I love you enough to respect what you want And we'll be the greatest friends. Well play disc golf and smash bros until all time ends. I wish that these feelings were pure and platonic-I know that they once were but then I drank tonic and now when we lock eyes and you give that smile or whenever we hug then I get drunk for a while, with these feelings and thoughts that just won't ever be; You've been a good friend and that's all we can be. I just wish that it wouldn't ruin our friendship if I touched lips with you Cause you're married and straight and I'm single and gay. And the friendship we have is more than ok It's better than just some five minute flirt. It's better than a quick hookup that just leaves one hurt. Our friendship is real and I love what it is. You're my bro. A true bro. And if I had one wish I'd wish that our friendship would last forever just the way that is is. I'd tell all these feelings to go to hell. A true friend is needed for more than a spell. A true friend is rarer than albino deer I won't trade our friendship for those five minutes. Not that id even get those five minutes. So let's play some smash or find some great place to eat. Let's build a campfire and get off our feet. Spend a long day tossing frisbee in the park and then when it's over well sit in the dark

And I'll wish that this moment could last forever just with us being friends.

Water on the brain

10,000 rain drops tap the earth in a consistent rhythm. Each on leaving a small impression. Suredly unnoticed when considered solitarily but immensely powerful in the aggregate. Like insanity which comes as our soul is assaulted bit by bit until it cracks and the dusty earth of reason is supplanted by the washed out mud of irrational fears, impulses and ideas.

Good times

how about a post that is about good things

I've lost 23 pounds.

i am performing well at work

i have great friends

i am able to focus more

depression is not near the issue, i think walking daily has really helped that.  they say exercise is as effective as antidepressants sometimes.

Reaction to Radio Love Songs

Love

What is it?

This potent potion, which changes hearts, clouds minds, and sanctifies souls.

At least from the outside…

People seek it.   It must feel good, so very good.

When it is taken away men weap, they wallow, they lose hope. 

It applies to all, the righteous, the wicked, the young the old.

A part inside each of us needs it.  

So is it the reaction of when two people meet who both have hormonal releases precipitated by the other?

Well that appears to be part in all of love.  For some that might be it.

It appears that the chemicals in our bodies are seeking a one, another to love.

Then the actions,   the love making for sure, but also the cuddling, the talking, the togetherness.

For some, a connection grows that is deeper than mere chemical.

And that is good. . . but for them, when that connection is taken away, it is a violent reaction.  Two souls knit in one, and the separation is a violent surgery.

Marriage seems to facilitate this deeper love.  Deeper connection.  And of course service, and time, and children and shared experience.

At least that’s what love appears to be as an outsider looking in.

It seems nice.   And I’d love to have it.   But for now, I’ll keep guessing what it is like.  And I’ll keep wishing there were less of it in songs.

I hate my brain

I wish my brain worked.

What would it be like to have a functioning brain.

Last night I had put together a friend outing to Buffalo Wild Wings.   We gathered  talked.  Had fun catching up.

But after we’d ordered food.  I got nervous.  Decided I was gonna step away from the table for a bit.  

Ended up walking out of the restaurant. Being anxious around the corner for a while.  Thinking I’d go back in.  But I didn’t.  I couldn’t get myself to go back in.  So I texted a friend that I’d pay him back for the food, and left.  I had friends text me.  I deflected their attempts to help me. 

Now I was mad at myself for leaving an event I planned and had looked forward to all weak.   I yelled, hit myself, and had small flashes of desire to wreck my car.

I finally got a little less insane, and was embarrassed that I’d just left the group.  Sat in my car, trying to get comfortable enough to go back in, then I figured it was too long anyway.  Found a Cool diner called the One Man Band to eat at.  You order your food via phone from your table.   Then I went home.

I hate myself,  I hate the way my brain works.   I hate being broken.

This couple's Voices of Hope Video gives me hope

http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voice.php?v=65#.VFfCOslAc40

Ethan and Allison.  Wonderful People.  They Give me hope, not that i'll get married for sure, but because of the joy they have in living the gospel.

I love them.

They are a great couple.

Topic De Jour

So i want to post my feelings about the supreme court's decision no to review the gay marriage cases in several states, effectively legalizing same sex marriage in those states including Utah, where I live.

This is hard for me, dang hard. I know a lot of my friends are happy with it, and I don't fault them for that. I get why they are excited.

But it hurts me. When i read the news it came in like a wrecking ball outta no where. Court decisions by their very nature are combative, with a winner and loser, they rarely have a compromise, like good legislation, also they often come suddenly. I didn't have time to brace myself for the result.

There are several reasons this pains me, first I hate being at odds with my friends. I dont' like conflict. They are happy, and there is an assumption by some of them that i am also celebrating.

I am not happy with the decision because my belief in the church, and that the Lord doesn't want this, i'm not going to drop that on my friends. I hate trying to use testimony as a trump card in debates. But that doesnt' invalidate that is the reason i am not happy. I don't think Gay marriage is the best for me, or society.

Then again on some level i want it deeply. and suddenly the conflict between my testimony and orientation is publically played out with this decision. Part of me wants to badly to find a spouse.
   
And finally people who agree with me on gay marriage can be freaking hateful, misinformed and unkind. Suddenly people i love and care about who are opposed to gay marriage will make wonderful comments about how the gays are destroying teh world, or how we are all the most vile sinners. Or how much they hate the f--s. It sucks. People can be so mean. so bigoted. and unChristlike.

I've tried to be open here, i wanted to express why this is hard for me. Not to start a debate. I still respect and love my friends who disagree with me on this, and i'm trying to still respect my friends who think all homosexuals are going to hell.
 
It's a hard day. I want to just stay in bed, or eat 20 boxes of twinkies covered in nacho cheese sauce, or go deep into a mine. BUt instead i'm at work, at the BYU, and i'm sure the comments will be flying today.