Surface

Sea of Porcelain, opaque glass, perfection, flawless, you might have gasped

To touch the smoothness of my façade, a life that is perfect before man and God.

You cannot see the cracks inside, near the surface they creep and hide

But break through they cannot yet, force of will does keep them set.



If you saw the cracks would your reaction be? Hatred, disgust, deserving pity.

You cannot see them.  I won't survive, the light of scrutiny on my inside

Please be content with my beautiful skin.   A sham like me can't let you in.

The Crush

The crush Every human being has a crush That other soul who make your red heart rush Turns your brain into a bowl of mush The universal Instagram loving crush They'll find their way into you heart Plant their seed with a dark art You'll be their captive from the start The lovie dovey who's my mommy crush. And then they leave. Suddenly they give you no reprieve The shredded heart beats heavy as it grieves Upon your bed your hopeless body heaves You can't fix the pain it's already done You wish there were two but you're only one Given the choice it's them over sun But their gone, and you're here, and the tangles where you two tangled are bare and cold Time may fix it. But years from now, you'll see a car or hear their call, and for an instant they are here again. For an instant you are whole again. But the car isn't theirs. The voice--you were wrong. And they're gone. Forever and forever, they are gone.

Who has to die?

I think I know why my body is so big. There is a second person inside of me. I eat so much to keep him in. To keep him from escaping. It's my only defense. If he escapes I will die There is a second body inside this old body. No one knows it. This old body is Mormon. Is proper. Is chaste. The inner body burns with passion. Do the people I pass have any idea what is in me. Do the know what I am trying to hide? He wants to break out leave the shell and fly. I am old and dying. He is old, but still an infant. If you were to see his naked corpse you would see a man who should have been born years ago. But I have kept him in. He is still an embryo. And when he breaks out he won't know what to do. So I feed him. And I hope the food will substitute for his passion. That my secret yearnings never are birthed.

To former pals

Remember when you said we were best friends—when I didn’t ask you to

You said you wanted that role in my life.  To be there thru and through

Where are you now, what’s up with this crap, did I complain too much

I though a friend was there for bad when everything went to muck

Oh well.  I see, was it because I had a dumb crush on you

I thought it was safe, to be a friend with a straight guy who wanted to.

I’m sorry for the feelings so strong, that may have chased you away

But it just kinda sucks when my alleged best friend, suddenly stopped acting that way.

What are we now?  Who even knows.  We still do stuff from time to time

But from half my texts, you don’t even respond, and your wife gives me the line

That your busy and booked for the rest of the month—which is ok to me

It’s just I didn’t ask you to be my best friend, you claimed that spot willingly

And I opened myself.   And I thought we were close, but I guess for a queer fag like me

Best friend means more than you were able to give, your friendship is given sparingly

There’s a hole in my life, now that you’ve taken a step back, I’m sorry I scared you away

I didn’t want these feelings, and I’d leave them if I could.  But my efforts still leave me gay.

I would make a shell around my life and soul, to not let another friend in

But, being alone really sucks smelly butts, so it’s time to begin once again. 

Lies

The warm comfortable lie Such is the lie that forgives our base actions Such is the lie that feigns comfort and help to the weak and weary, but, offers no solution Such is the lie that blocks us from our future Such is the lie that keeps us in our past This lie takes the wounded and comforts them in place, while they still lie wounded on the battlefield, with the enemy advancing The cold hard damning lie It hates, it destroys from within. It stops progression by fear. It tells us we have no potential. It tells us friends are not real. It tells us that we are second class. It tells us to stay in one place out of fear

The warm lie gives way to the cold lie as we try to leave the field.   No longer able to keep us in unknown danger with sweet nothings whispered in our ear, the beautiful nurse transforms into a wraith, a banshee, who will tear our psyche apart if we will not stay with her.

Her lies keep her there, she cannot follow, but can only call out.   Can only scream.  Can only use words to keep us with her.  For all her thrashing she is as powerless as we make her, or as strong.

sometimes when i see an attractive person i think, i'd like to get to know them. I'd like to see if we could have a relationship. I wonder what it'd be like to spend my life with them. To build a life. To have children, to not be alone but then i remember i'm looking at a man. so i can't have any of that. If i felt that way toward a woman dating and marriage would be possible.

Jonah

I thought that by riding with the horsemen of firth I could hide from the jabberwocky. That he would seek others. But in the creative acts that formed me, I was bound to this demon. And I will never escape it, but must fight.