Beneath Asylum Lane

My All Hallows Eve Offering

 

 

 

The Buildings themselves looked like ghosts.  A sickly green light, lit the two whitewashed buildings of the State Hospital for the Insane.  Abandoned for years, it was here i brought my dates.  It was here I'd tell them stories, it was here, they'd squeeze my arms, as tales of mental torture slithered from my lips.

Mad Doctors, inhuman therapy, possession rather than pathology, were the ingredients for my stories.  

Tonight my audience was one.  Myself.  My stage, not the steamed windows of my old ford pickup, but the grate found in between the buildings and whatever rested below.

I got to work using a car jack and a tire iron.  Leveraging the grate against itself.  I bent the iron, but gained admittance.  Now to see if there really was a network of tunnels under the old hospital. Where the most delicate work occurred.

I climbed down the rusted rungs, and easily jimmied the door.  Descended a flight of stairs.  There I was.  In a long tunnel, running farther than my light fell.  Water dripped, rats scurried, my breaths deepened.

First I entered what must have been an observation room.  Using my sleeve i wiped the grime off the one way mirror, to reveal a rusted chair, upholstery was either never there, or had been taken by some animal for it's nest.  Half moon clamps were on the arm rests and where ankles would have been.  A leather strap, with holes like a belt hung from the head rest.  

The room had chains along the walls, and a table with similar restraints.  I quickly left the observation room and entered the room proper.  I saw a mummy. No not the kind you'd find in a pyramid, but what appeared to be the remains of one of the former patients.  I gagged. His flesh was nearly eaten away by the smaller residents of this tomb.  He had on the remains of a jumpsuit, and the name Jones, over his right breast. "Well Jonesy, what brings you down here?” I told him my name, and stuck out my hand in a mock gesture. “Let's be friends.”

I swear I heard my name.  Not from the mummy, but from the hallway.  

I left my new friend in the floor where i found him and returned to the hallway.  A door shut farther down.  It was time to leave.  I returned to the stairs to get out, or at least where the stairs should have been, but there was nothing.  I searched in circles, wondering where they could have gone.  

The chains rattled in a yet unexplored room.  My head got dizzy.  I sat down.

The hallway got foggy.  Blurry.  I heard my name again, but just my last name.   I looked up and saw a strong man in all white grabbing me to my feet.  He and another equally strong man, drug me farther down the hallway, which was lit now.  The dripping was gone.  it was all blurry, i tried to speak, i tried to move, but i couldn't  We entered another room third man, in a long white coat ordered them to do something and i was strapped in a chair.  Non rusted.  Wrists, ankles and head were all restrained.

"what is your name"

I answered

"Why are you here?"

I just wanted to see what was down here?

The man in the long coat looked meaningfully at someone i couldn't see.

"are you sorry for what you've done"

yes, i'll leave

"you can't leave.  what if you hurt more people?"

i haven't hurt anyone, i swear.

"now we're back to this.  You must be sorry, we'll help you be sorry"

They all left, and a warm liquid started dripping on my hand.  A mild irritant at first, but as the minutes stretched on, it burned.  It rand down my hand, and dripped into a puddle on the floor.  within minutes my hand was on fire.  Hours the hand had been eaten away by whatever acid had been dripping there. I couldn't' see it, but i felt it was gone.  I felt the fingers fall off one by one, then the palm.

They returned.

"are you sorry?"

Yes, i pleaded.  I am so sorry, let me leave.

"Sorry for what?"

For whatever i did to deserve this.

"But what did you do?"

I came down here, i'm so sorry

"You didn't come down here.  We brought you here."

I was just exploring!

"I can see we have a lot to of work to do. Bring the drill."

The drill was brought, it slowly lowered down toward my nose.   

"Tell me why you're here.  I can save you."

I DON"T KNOW

"Tell me. This doesn't have to happen."

TELL YOU WHAT?

The drill was so close i could no longer focus on it.  I saw two drills approaching both noses.

"This is your last chance.  You can return to your family that's still alive.  Tell me why you're here"

I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T

The drilled hit the cartilage.  I blacked out.

It wasn't very hard for them to find me once the started looking.  My car was feet from the open grate. I came to strapped into the old metal chair.  In the same room as my buddy the corpse.  The cops wanted to know who came down with me, who had strapped me into the chair.  I didn't know.  I didn't tell them what i saw.

As they freed me from the chair, i glanced over at the dusty old mirror, in a flash i saw the room, clean, brightly lit, and a man wearing a jumpsuit with the name Jones, written above the left breast, strapped in the chair, with a drill slowly inching toward his face.

Climbing out of Hell

Depression.  It's real.  It sucks.  I've been struggling with it the last while.  Probably since the end of August.

It got pretty bad.  Drove me to start counseling again.  WHich is good.  But this last week, I've seen nudges that have helped me slowly climb out of this shadowland, where i'm surrounded by a voice of hate that seeks to bind me.

I just wanted to share them.  I know they may not mean as much to you.  But Bit by Bit these things helped me.

It started last Saturday in General Conference.  Elder Holland gave a great talk about depression.  He mentioned that if we are sick in the body we don't just think righteous living will fix it, and it shoudl be the same with the mind.  WE can have blessings, and medicine, and counseling to help us. 



It helped, but it was really a precursor to other events.

I recognized that reading a book, can help me with my depression.  So i started reading a book called Beyonders.  Nothing Spectacular, but i had stopped reading it for about 6 months.  And when i picked it up, certain passages seemed to be just what i needed to hear right now.--Actually writing this I see it was October 1st is.  It talked about how we need to see the entire choice we are making.  Instead of pretending that there is NOTHING good that could come from living a gay life. Look at see, what i would gain, and what i would lose, alsot to see what i would gain and what i would lose from living a celibate or mixed orientation marriage lifestyle. That was good, it helps to see reality and what I am giving up.

Anyway, as i reflect i see there has been help from God for the last several weeks.

Tuesday, the thinker won a contest for a powerful essay.  His essay was about struggle, and overcoming.  It was powerful.  He didn't actually win, but placed.  He just won in my head.

Thursday I planned on attending a play called Suessical a good friend called...Slayer was in.  I only expected it to be a fun play that i could take my niece and nephew to for a fun time. 

This good friend, messaged me before the show about how one of the songs had a special meaning for him, when he was going through a hard time.  it was

The message that we can feel alone in the universe.  But if we find just one true friend, it's ok...And my friend added that that friend was Christ.  He can be our one true friend in the universe.  Seeing this play was really the time i gained an upward momentum out of depression. 

Later i got to see another friend, the Trout,  He talked with me, and things were good.  He talkeda bout depression and how i deal with it.  So good to have a good friend.  Later we joined with Knees and Rex,and played some Mario Kart, and had pie and Nachos. 

This morning was feeling better, the voice was gone, but down.  I saw a powerful message of hope from the Voices of Hope project.  














And so now, i'm just feeling good.  The dark voice is silence.  and while i have rough times still, i am feeling better. Sure it's not forever.  and I'm sure i will still have rough times.  But it's been good.  For the first time in a long time I am feeling better.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about some of the powerful things i have seen this week, that seemed to be just for me.   Thanks to God and all my friends, who have helped me find light recently.

It means so much to be happier, to be out of the shame valley.   I'm glad.  Thanks be to God, and the world.

?'s

Do we ever find joy?

The kind of lasting joy with permanence

Do we ever find joy?

The kinds that does not fade away

Are we relegated to slowly move from happy hill to happy hill,

With hundreds of miles of dark valley on the way


Do we ever find peace?

The kind that stays with us the night

Do we ever find Love?

The kind that lasts eternally

Do we ever find one, who loves us like no other

And does that one ever not be so gay


Do we ever find out?

What the purpose of this is

Do we ever stop hating

The drive within our sould


Do we ever not feel, like some outcast bastard son?

Will we ever find wholeness and love


Will the urges I feel?

Ever be pure and holy

Will the voices in my head?

Ever say something nice.

Will I ever be free, To climb up to my glory

Or am I doomed to be shackled for the rest of my life?


Will I ever love God, more than I do my urges

Will I ever know why, he let me be this way

Will I ever stop running, away from being happy

Will I ever even stop, and know the way


Will I ever not fear, the end of my story?

Will I ever be strong enough to pass through the day

Without doubts of myself, and doubts of His Glory

Will His Love ever stay, and keep dark away


When I Lie on my bed, after a life of ages

Will I be all alone, as I pass away

Will my family be dreams, just a made up story

Will I have what I need, to make it to that day


Does God really care, about people like me

Does God have a plan, that makes sense of pain

Does God really know, when im doing poorly

Does he love me enough, to show me the way.


I guess that he has, and he sent a Savior

Who bought my soul, with blood dropped pain

As he carried the cross, he carried my glory

If I make it through, to that judgment day.

Or so they say.

Ups and Downs

Been having some down times lately.  Some really down times.   and my ups are just times i'm not down.

But I'm working on it.  Starting counseling again.   I'll get outta this.

Again? I thought i already came out

Lots of fun stuff going on lately.  Some down, but mostly up.

Not gonna get in all of it, but after i got back from JiM i felt a few times that i might be supposed to make a voices of hope video.

Which brings up a side question of how the fam would like that.

TANGENT

so the week up in the homestead was fun.  Saw the icebro a few times.  Way fun, he photo’d the fam for a website and we went to Westland.  Saw a rodeo.  Dad decided i need a “grand endeavor”  and he is right.  I’ve been thinking about focusing on a novel, a website for readers, or getting a degree in recreational management so i can run programs.  Haven't decided yet.   Fun times with the Fam.  Got a little bogged down.   Need to make sure we don’t say mean, sarcastic things… or remember that they probably are not being mean, but are trying to get banter going--like men are wont to do.

So, kdog asked me on facebook to think about a voices of hope video.  He thought i “was ready”  whatever that means.

But considering what i’ve gone through, and how much people have helped me through their  videos, i decided to consider it.  

So it was part of my fast yesterday.  That and to find a way to pay my tithing, so i can get back to the temple.

Anyway, in ward council the idea first popped into my head.  I put it off.  Then it came up again in sacrament meeting--the idea being that i need to bear testimoney about SSA in the ward.

Odd.  I was not pleased.  I already did this last year, I don’t want the people i know to think that i am in your face about it. And i didn’t want the new peopl, which was over half, to have their introduction to the stoic russet be that i liked men.  I mean i’m ok with people knowing… but like to get to know them better first.

Well it kept being on my mind.  I was also legitimately afriad that I was doing it for attention.  

I decided to try to put it on someone else.  Texted Bro C-T who was presiding.  He was not all that helpful.  Didn’t respond, but MV did.  Said, don’t ever ignore a prompting.  So i did.

Went up there, not near as nervous this time, but still plenty nervous.  Read the fourth verse of Reverently and Meekly Now
 
4. At the throne I intercede;
For thee ever do I plead.
 have loved thee as thy friend,
With a love that cannot end.
Be obedient, I implore,
Prayerful, watchful evermore,
And be constant unto me,
That thy Savior I may be.

 Then bore testimony directly about how it is possible to live the gospel with SSA and be happy.  That it and all our trials or whatever we want to call them can be hard, but we don’t have to be miserable and sad through them.  That we can hold on to the iron rod, but still find joy in our journey.

It was good.  I felt the Spirit, and i can’t deny that God was prompting me or at least didn’t care to stop me.  

Went out, speed walked around the gym came back

Not many people said stuff after.  Which was ok. a few did.     But after sunday school and during break the fast a lot of people thanked me.  A lot of the new people.  So… who knows, nothing bad so it’s good right...yeah i think it is.  Felt way nervous and anxious after and even into the n* fireside.  But it was good.  I’m glad i did it.  I just have to maked sure i’m still going out there to get to know people, and not staying on the sideline because i’m afraid of what they are thinking.  No bad reactions.. even sat at a table with 5 new guys and made some hecka funny jokes. 

Thoughts on relationships from a long time single dude.

Been looking at love songs today, songs about deep, committed love where both sides give up, so they can meet in the middle. The type of love that endures, that heals, that lifts, that exalts.

I’m usually ok. I have good friends. Good brothers. Good support. But when I see this, deep commitment to another soul. I feel a hunger for it. A thirst. I want it. I know i'm missing something.

And then I think “well I’ll get that in heaven. God will give it to me there.”

And I think, "God I can make it if you’ll just let me know I can have that someday."

And I wait for an answer. The answer is, Maybe, if you work at it.

"What?" I think, "it’s not just a gift? I was thinking you’d just bestow it on me. Give it to me as a reward for faith and commitment."

“Maybe if you work at it.”

So who knows, it wasn’t a loud voice, it might have just been in my head, but a relationships isn’t a gift that is bestowed there is too much individuality in it. In both people, a relationship is something that grows through effort, it’s a plant that must be cultivated, not a crown that is merely worn.

So I hope to have it someday. If I work at it.

Last night

Mystic mine, misty valley, manic miners,mangy mutt poo, 'mazing music, manly men, magic fire-sky, mallows mashed, munching meat tubes, merry eve, merry night, mighty brothers, massive love for. My needs met.