His eyes light up in the comic book store. “Come here Give me a hug.” My friend, comic book guy, is pretty
legit. I go to read comics and buy
them, but also saying hi to him is a cool side benefit.
Some days he wants to hug me. Some days he doesn’t.
He always initiates.
He is straight after all. I have
allowed all my straight relationships form with them taking the lead on stuff
like that. They know I’m gay. I worry I’ll be “too gay” if I go in for a
hug. I worry their wives will freak
out. Yeah, I know I have issues.
I hate how I feel like I can’t trust myself with
friends. Not in a “gonna kiss them all
night while they protest” type way. But
how I can’t trust myself to not go full on crush on them. I hate how it flavors all my straight friendships. I don’t blame them. If anyone is to blame it’s me for worrying
about it so much.
It’s like, I want more closeness in it then they do. So I always just take what they can
give. Always watching, always being
careful to not freak them, or their wives out.
And I do have good friendships. But my damn gayness leaves me
unfulfilled.
Yeah, interesting! I was thinking to myself a few days ago about how I've only made a handful of straight friends over the past few years, but a lot of gay friends. I realized it was because all but a few of the straight guys are afraid of getting to close. To me? To men in general? I don't know. The gay guys are so much easier and more straightforward. One friend, a few weeks after we started hanging out, asked "hey, can we be like real friends?" And just like that, we were hanging out without making plans, playing games, watching TV - just casual things. And he gives really good hugs. I dunno, I want to have straight friends, but it hardly seems worth the hassle.
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