Years ago I looked over the railing. Was any of this worth it. Was the pain, loneliness, being so different ever going to lessen. Why was I so different. Why was I so alone. Why can’t I change things for the better.
It was the same railing that today someone else jumped.
And I weep for them.
Their future looked so cloudy. Their pain so great. Why? I do not know their story. Was it the stress of schooling? Was it the pressure of unmet expectations? Was it illness? Did they also feel like an interloper?
When you consider suicide it’s like your life is a merry go round of misery. You can’t find anyway off it. The same repetitive stresses hit you again and again and again. It sucks. And then something happens that makes it too hard to bare. And you think the only exit is death. It becomes a fixation. Each rotation you come back to that thought, “the only way off is to die”
It isn’t.
If i jumped all those years ago i would have missed so much. New friends. New acceptance. New self love. Pains that had stayed with me for decades erased. Phantoms of misery finally vanquished. Had I jumped I never would have known dancing, improv, dungeons and dragons.
Friendships would have never formed.
And lives would have been devastated .
Pain multiplied across the all who new me. From moments of sadness and regret to heart suffocating spasms that want to rip the soul apart. Friends. Families. Always with a dark scar.
Please don’t do it. Don’t jump. You are good. It does get better. I promise. Get help. There are many paths to happiness. Many solutions to puzzles. And more joy that will slay the pain.
Don’t jump. Get help. You don’t have to do it alone. And in future years when you are sitting by a warm fire either with loved ones or just loving your self you will know that it has gotten better. And the way you felt on that lonely bridge will seems foreign.
There are a million paths for you. And joy is in many of them.
It gets better. As long as you stick around.
It was the same railing that today someone else jumped.
And I weep for them.
Their future looked so cloudy. Their pain so great. Why? I do not know their story. Was it the stress of schooling? Was it the pressure of unmet expectations? Was it illness? Did they also feel like an interloper?
When you consider suicide it’s like your life is a merry go round of misery. You can’t find anyway off it. The same repetitive stresses hit you again and again and again. It sucks. And then something happens that makes it too hard to bare. And you think the only exit is death. It becomes a fixation. Each rotation you come back to that thought, “the only way off is to die”
It isn’t.
If i jumped all those years ago i would have missed so much. New friends. New acceptance. New self love. Pains that had stayed with me for decades erased. Phantoms of misery finally vanquished. Had I jumped I never would have known dancing, improv, dungeons and dragons.
Friendships would have never formed.
And lives would have been devastated .
Pain multiplied across the all who new me. From moments of sadness and regret to heart suffocating spasms that want to rip the soul apart. Friends. Families. Always with a dark scar.
Please don’t do it. Don’t jump. You are good. It does get better. I promise. Get help. There are many paths to happiness. Many solutions to puzzles. And more joy that will slay the pain.
Don’t jump. Get help. You don’t have to do it alone. And in future years when you are sitting by a warm fire either with loved ones or just loving your self you will know that it has gotten better. And the way you felt on that lonely bridge will seems foreign.
There are a million paths for you. And joy is in many of them.
It gets better. As long as you stick around.
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