Out Coming

Why do I want you to know I’m gay?

It’s not the overarching facet of my life. 

But it’s also not a minuscule fact.

It’s something I notice many times every day. 

I like men.  I’m attracted to them.  About half my world is like, so what.  That’s cool  NBD or no big deal.

And that’s what I want.  I want it to be no big deal.

So I want to make jokes about it.  I want to bring it up when I’m hanging with the guys and they say “dude, that chick is on fire”

When I’m with guys doing that I feel so normal.  And normalcy is not something I’ve experienced much.

For years, I told no one.  For years my mind would cycle over and over like some high speed carnival ride, each rotation included “you’re gay, such a queer, faggot.  If people knew they wouldn’t like you”

Those were the messages I had internalized.

Happily the messages of rejection are false.  I have been accepted by so many friends.  And it feels good.

So that is why I want to come out to you.  I want you to know this part of me.  I want you to see who I am.  And I want to once again know for sure I am safe to be me around you.

I want you to know, because my mind wants to get back on that nightmarish ride.  It wants to tell me you would reject me.  And well, I don’t think you would.  But even if you did, I’d rather it happen just once instead of a repetitive mental process.

So yeah. I’m gay.  Now what game should we play