Since August two friends that I deal with on a near daily basis know about my SSA. I don't have time for a full write up but just wanted to write about two incidences that showed me how lucky I am.
With school starting I've had my anxiety and ssa in overdrive. So many new attractive guys, and I still am not comfortable with the fact that I find them attractive. Things had gotten really bad, I was in a cycle of despair that was hard to climb out of. So Sunday I sent a text to both of them, Red and Indy, asking for a blessing. I've gotten blessings before when the depression is bad and it really helps. They both came over, we talked about the trials a little bit, how i was feeling, they offered some suggestions, then Red gave a prayer, then Indy was voice for the blessing.
I'm not going to say what was said, but it was powerful and personal. To be in this position after years of being alone, and avoiding friendships with men because I thought that was the way to overcome ssa, to have two great friends that I can call upon, who don't treat me any different, and that I can occasionally beat in Mario Kart is a miracle in my life, and a tender mercy.
Number two.
For Labor Day we had a marathon Mario Kart session, probably 3 hours or more. As it went on things got intense and Indy started calling things "gay" such as when a shell would hit him or something. I'll admit, my feelings on using "gay" as term for something stupid have changed. I used to use it, then recently I stopped, and it really started to bother me. So I told Red this last Spring. I am usually able to brush it off, but when people I care about use it over and over with intensity like Indy was, it starts to get to me a little. When we were done racing they both started talking in Portuguese, which I don't know.
Then yesterday, Indy comes and apologizes for using it, i told him it was a habit i had to break, and things were good. I know its a small thing, but it makes a big difference.
One of the things said in the blessing was that God has put people in my life, I'm sure these friends are two of them
Chat from June with a straight friend about the Idaho Falls Fireside. He has been a good support through all this
1:32 PM me: dude, east idaho had a SGA (same gender attraction) fireside last night
i went with my parents
it was good
1:33 PM friend: right
how was that bro?
me: pretty good. right when i got outta the care I ran into a family from my home ward. so i guess the secret is out,
1:34 PM they're son is 19 and spent about 8 months doing the whole gay thing
but is trying to come back
friend: no mish then for him?
me: well, it might be possible
friend: dude, i'm sure they aren't gonna go spreadin the word
for all they know, ur there to help somone not even neccesarily urself u know
1:35 PM me: well, he is my youngest bros friend
friend: did they ask about it?
me: no, not really
but you know, i figured this might happen.
friend: ya
oh well
me: the fireside was 2.5 hours long
friend: life goes on u know
wow
me: that's what i say oh weell
friend: long indeed
did u feel like u guys learned som stuff
1:36 PM u know, ur life goes on
me: i learned a little, i think my parents and others that done' deal with it leanred a lot more
friend: good
me: for me it was kinda SGA 101, and i've already got an associates
friend: that's what u wanted
me: yeah. we broke into groups, leaders, freinds/fam, men with it, women with it
1:38 PM my parents went to the leadership one, it was good. I wish they could have gone to the friends/fam one, cause the couple who do firesides down her ran that one
1:39 PM their son commited suicide
from what i hear it was way powerful
friend: that's cool
me: cause the way i see it with sga there are two main challenges.
friend: wow
me: the obvious one is the temptation to go sleep with men
1:40 PM the second is the depression, and self hate that most of us feel, becuase everyone thinks we chose to bo this way and we're some sort of freak
you gotta overcome both of those
1:41 PM and i think the church members need to do a lot more to help kids with this.
friend: right
me: cuase not all of them make it out of it
friend: what can they do?
me: don't make it such a deseise
friend: ya
me: like my mom doesn't want my bro to be seen with his friend that deals with this
1:42 PM becuase then people with think my bro is gay
and seriously don't we need to cut the "that's so gay" jokes
i know i say them too
but it hurts people
friend: ya
1:43 PM i guess whenever I say "that's so gay" it doesn't man it's literally gay but rather "that's so stupid or dumb" u know
me: it really comes down to having our love of people overcome the sickenss people feel when they think about sga
and i know that. I can deal with it, but alot of peole can't
friend: ya
for sure
1:44 PM me: because the gay community says to people like me, come on we love you.
friend: ya thats lame
me: and sometimes it seems like the church membership says,
"get away you deviant"
1:45 PM friend: they problem they dont understand is that givin in to something like that is on the same level of badness as a man that has sex w/ women he's not married too
me: yeah, it just like adultry
not worse,
friend: ya i guess it's one thing that is super tough for people to understand
1:46 PM me: yeah, and i don't blame them. I know the idea grosses people out
friend: for sure
me: it'll take alot of doing for us to get where people feel comfortable around us
1:47 PM and i think part of it, may be people like me being open about it
friend: open about it but acknowledging that u aren't giving into it
1:48 PM me: yeah, and both the Sga people and the straight people need to realize its just part of the person
not the whole thing
friend: ya
me: so you don't want to be identified as "that gay guy"
but as Me
friend: but it's not like it's the kind of thing that hasn't been around for a long time tho u know
1:49 PM right
me: who plays frisbee,eats to much, loves mario kart, and is attracted to men.
you '
re right
i don't know why it is more of a problem now. Part of it is how big of a deal it is in society
friend: i think it has a bad rap especially is cuz of all the flamin gays that are just as bad or worse then the loudest anti gay lobbiest u know
1:50 PM me: oh yeah, i hear ya
those gusy suck
and they want to be seperate from everyone
they don't want to fit in
they're inspired by the devil.
1:51 PM friend: ya
and they give the rest of the group a bad name
me: for sure.
1:52 PM a guy last night compared it to adam and eve in the garden
After they ate the fruit, satan tried to shame them.
he told them to hide
friend: ya
me: then God told them to come forth
and not be proud of the transgression,
1:53 PM but not to be shamed into hiding either
both pride and shame don't work with this
even though for many it isn't a sin
friend: ya as long as they don't give in
1:54 PM me: yeah,
friend: just like if anyone has a bad thot
they can't let it remain in their mind
me: yeah, for sure
friend: gotta change what's goin on on the stage of their mind
1:55 PM me: yeah just like all those talks when we were teenagers
friend: cuz like in my situation, it's easy for me to think of what it would be like if (redacted) and I were married u know
and some of those thots r ok
me: yeah, but the ones that arouse stuff, you gotta put off
friend: some of them u shouldn't ponder much until ur married u know!
me: yeah
1:56 PM friend: ya
cuz u can't fulfill them so why waste ur time with them
me: yep. exactly
friend: it's like gettin all excited to go play some sport but knowing beforehand that u can't play
1:57 PM me: yeah, no need to do it
friend: no point in even gettin excited about it cuz it ain't happenin!
so we all have our temptations
me: yeah we do. they did talk a little about how marraige can work for us
that was cool, i wish they would have talked more.
1:58 PM friend: ya
maybe they've written more about it
me: basically, its a deal where you develop the relationship, and then the intimacy comes later
because you know the person so well.
friend: interesting
1:59 PM ya
me: kinda the reverse of how it can happen for you guys
i mean the desire for intamcy doesn't even come until you really know and care about the person
friend: for sure attraction comes first
the whole reason i ask a girl out in the beginning
me: yeah, you have the whole sexual tension thing
2:00 PM friend: always
lol
me: which is good, its there to make ya want to be with the women
friend: especially since (redacted) is a babe
me: yeah she is.
the SGA is almost always there for the whole life, so i can't expect it do leave,
but i can expect to manage it
2:01 PM my parents heard that part
i was glad for that
friend: interesting
2:03 PM get them on the same page as u
2:07 PM me: yeah, cause its hard for me to get through to them sometimes
like they just want to fix it for me, so they need to tell me instead of the other way around
not in a bad way, but its like that sometimes
2:08 PM so when they hear from stake presidents and bishops and stuff, it helps.
friend: ya i hear ya
me: plus the spirit was pretty strong last night
friend: just gotta understand that it's not something that u can just "fix"
2:09 PM me: yeah, it i thought I could grow outta it or pray and fast, but I think its my life long companion
friend: ya
me: but if God ever wants to take it fine with me
friend: tough but could b the case
2:10 PM haha
seriously
2:11 PM me: anyways, a really good thing overall. dude, you mind if I post this on my blog? i'll taek your name out
2:12 PM friend: which thing?
2:13 PM me: just our talk. i wanted to put a recap of the conference up. and i've said pretty much all of it here. It'd be on my secret blog, not this one
(redacted)
friend: that's fine
2:14 PM ya, without a name on it it can't do any harm
2:19 PM me: yeah, you know, i got a lot of that from yesterday
i'm feeling a ton more optomistic then i am sometimes
friend: good
2:20 PM plus, Brazil just won
3-0 baby
me: yeah buddy, they kiled them
2:22 PM friend: sweet
2:24 PM me: man, good stuff. i think i gotta talk to my siblings this week, and take things to the next level with that girl.
friend: u ready for this jiggs?
ur siblings dont know right?
2:25 PM and what's the next level with That girl brotha?
me: no they don't, but 7 people from (hometown) saw me that i know about. its better for me to tell them then the kid down the street
2:26 PM well probably being more serious, more date type things with (a certain girl)
friend: ya man, that's true
that's cool bro
i hope u guys enjoy it!
2:27 PM me: yeah, it'll be fun.
friend: u got anything planned right now?
2:28 PM me: no, she has really wanted to watch this chick flick, so i guess that'll be on for tomorrow after instittue
friend: haha
2:29 PM ya bro
gotta hit it up!
maybe a little fun snugglage
dont have to kiss her or anything
me: yeah, dude, i might try it. who konws
friend: just maybe some side body contact!
gotta start somewhere!
me: yeah, can probably get that going
2:30 PM friend: geterdone son!
2:31 PM me: i'll let you know how it goes
friend: ok doke
get some work in now
me: k, good talking to ya
friend: aight
take it easy
lata
2:32 PM me: cya
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Put job 19:25-26 on my tombstone
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Just got called to be fireside guy in my ward. Interesting opportunities
