Deck the Halls

Christmas!  For many people it appears to be one of the greatest transfers of childhood memories and family tradition. 

Just read about how different countries have entirely different traditions, and the staying power becomes apparant.  Sometimes added too, but pretty hard to subtract.

Thanksgiving by contrast is varied, sometimes we'll go to a buffet, sometimes extended family, sometimes the church, sometimes just four of us.

But Christmas,

oh the joys of the Christmas tradition. Gingerbread houses, reenacting the Nativity story, children all sleeping in the same room.  Cold Cereal for breakfast (which was a real treat, we never had that growing up)  and so much more.  Presents, Giant trees, outside lights. 

I love it all

then on New Years Eve, we put out our shoes, and teh New Years Elf, fills them with simple things, jerkey, candy, a inexpensive gift.

I love how it is done the same that it was in my father's house, and with things added from my mothers.


And yeah, the point of all this was i want to pass it on to my children.

along with so much more.

but, inspite of my blog name, i'm more of a confirmed bachelor than ever. 

Family Prayers

Shaking Sobbing, the mother dampens her pillow.

My son, the golden one, lost.  God bless him, he runs from you.  God bless him I don’t know what to do.  You’re all I need, and so should he be friends with you for eternity.

I’m scared for him.  He hurts so much.  Please take this curse away from him. Take this curse and stop the sin. I’m losing, he's slipping, he’ll be gone soon.  God save him, help me reach him.  Keep him from sin

The path to God, is straight and clear.  There’s only one way, and that’s what I most fear.  That he will leave.  That he won’t stay.  That he will try to get there by some other way. 

Boy. Man. Marriage. Child.  That’s the path for him.  That’s the path away from Sin.  Any other way, and he is falling prey, to lies and darkness he’s the devils prey.

 ----

Burning, yearning the son is full of passion.  Striving, to learn, striving to understand. 

He yells at God.  He is angry.  But he has started to know.  If the supreme being of the universe wanted to take it away, He could.  But he doesn’t.  There is something to learn here.

God why, God, I feel your love.  What is the path with this trial.  Why do they not understand.  Why do they feel I’m lost, and falling, when I feel I’m progressing.  Lord you are all I need…but I think you want more for me.  I think you want me to figure out this life.  This life of unscratchable itch.  To navigate it.  To love it. While not lusting in it.

God, I am Gay.  I don’t know what made me this way.  God.  I love you so, even though I curse your name from down below.  I am finding my way.  I am finding my way, I am with you today, and forever I pray

Marriage

I hear a lot of different opinions on marriage for ssa/gay mormons. 

Some saying the church says not to get married, some saying that it can fix it.

I appreciate this quote from Elder Oaks.  It aligns with where i stand

"PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Is heterosexual marriage ever an option for those with homosexual feelings?
ELDER OAKS: We are sometimes asked about whether marriage is a remedy for these feelings that we have been talking about. President Hinckley, faced with the fact that apparently some had believed it to be a remedy, and perhaps that some Church leaders had even counseled marriage as the remedy for these feelings, made this statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” To me that means that we are not going to stand still to put at risk daughters of God who would enter into such marriages under false pretenses or under a cloud unknown to them. Persons who have this kind of challenge that they cannot control could not enter marriage in good faith.
On the other hand, persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate.
President Hinckley said that marriage is not a therapeutic step to solve problems."

from http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/interview-oaks-wickman-same-gender-attraction

Which means, i might get married, but i don't need to.  It won't remove my feelings, and there does need to be attraction to the partner.  Which i Have seen happen, some even saying their wife is the only person of the other gender they have ever been attracted to.

Now, i'm sure many of us have had parents, friends, church leaders or even ourselves worry  "if you don't get married in this life, you'll never be exhalted. 

That has never jived with me.  I don't think it's true.  I think the Lord is merciful and judges us on our heart.    Consider this passage from Lorenzo Snow

"A lady came into our office the other day and asked to see me on a private matter. She informed me that she felt very badly, because her opportunities for getting a husband had not been favorable. … She wanted to know what her condition would be in the other life, if she did not succeed getting a husband in this life. I suppose this question arises in the hearts of our young people. … I desire to give a little explanation for the comfort and consolation of parties in this condition. There is no Latter-day Saint who dies after having lived a faithful life who will lose anything because of having failed to do certain things when opportunities were not furnished him or her. In other words, if a young man or a young woman has no opportunity of getting married, and they live faithful lives up to the time of their death, they will have all the blessings, exaltation and glory that any man or woman will have who had this opportunity and improved it. That is sure and positive. 

…

People who have no opportunity of marrying in this life, if they die in the Lord, will have means furnished them by which they can secure all the blessings necessary for persons in the married condition. The Lord is merciful and kind, and He is not unjust. There is no injustice in Him; yet we could scarcely look upon it as being just when a woman or a man dies without having had the opportunity of marrying if it could not be remedied in the other life. There would be injustice in that, and we know that the Lord is not an unjust being. My sister Eliza R. Snow, I believe, was just as good a woman as any Latter-day Saint woman that ever lived, and she lived in an unmarried state until she was beyond the condition of raising a family. … I cannot for one moment imagine that she will lose a single thing on that account. It will be made up to her in the other life, and she will have just as great a kingdom as she would have had if she had had the opportunity in this life of raising a family.^7"

^{Giving myself a pass on marriage, has really decreased my stress.  Realizng, i can be faithful, and not get married.  I needn't worry about being condemend.  I would love a family, and if somehow i become best friends with a lady-type and i am attracted to her, and kissing her is a fun activity, adn sometimes my heart rate rises when i'm around her, and she has similar responses to me, then great.  If not, I can be an awesome gay uncle, and travel.  Not as fun as being a dad, but still kinda fun.}  

^{So that's my take on marriage right now.  Feeling good.  Heck, maybe i need to change the name of the blog.  But that'd take time and stuff.}

^Note

^{Also, on referring to myself as gay rather than ssa...just trying it out.  I have issues, trying to get over hate and stuff.  I can be a gay mormon, and that doesn't mean i'm leaving the church.   the church lets people who identify as gay post on their mormon.org profiles.  It's a lot less wordy than same sex attraction.}  

 

The Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference

The source of their contempt, the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference is in Provo this week.  Is great.  The purpose of the conference is to help people who want to stay in the church, or who aren't sure.  I went last year, it was very helpful.  It's also good for supporters of ssa people.  They have panels for church leaders and friends and family as well.


http://reconcilingfaithandfeelings.org/

Edited to remove link and reference to the group

Eat it Straighties, why you gotta be so girly!

http://www.feelguide.com/2013/11/03/scientists-discover-shape-differences-between-faces-of-gay-and-straight-men/

"New scientific findings from the Center for Theoretical Study at Charles University in Prague, and The Academy of Sciences of the Czech Republic, indicate there is a very clear difference between the faces of straight men and the faces of gay men.  Perhaps the most intriguing discovery in the mountain of data collected by the team is that the faces of gay men were consistently ranked as more masculine than the faces of straight men."

All in good fun.  

Beneath Asylum Lane

My All Hallows Eve Offering

 

 

 

The Buildings themselves looked like ghosts.  A sickly green light, lit the two whitewashed buildings of the State Hospital for the Insane.  Abandoned for years, it was here i brought my dates.  It was here I'd tell them stories, it was here, they'd squeeze my arms, as tales of mental torture slithered from my lips.

Mad Doctors, inhuman therapy, possession rather than pathology, were the ingredients for my stories.  

Tonight my audience was one.  Myself.  My stage, not the steamed windows of my old ford pickup, but the grate found in between the buildings and whatever rested below.

I got to work using a car jack and a tire iron.  Leveraging the grate against itself.  I bent the iron, but gained admittance.  Now to see if there really was a network of tunnels under the old hospital. Where the most delicate work occurred.

I climbed down the rusted rungs, and easily jimmied the door.  Descended a flight of stairs.  There I was.  In a long tunnel, running farther than my light fell.  Water dripped, rats scurried, my breaths deepened.

First I entered what must have been an observation room.  Using my sleeve i wiped the grime off the one way mirror, to reveal a rusted chair, upholstery was either never there, or had been taken by some animal for it's nest.  Half moon clamps were on the arm rests and where ankles would have been.  A leather strap, with holes like a belt hung from the head rest.  

The room had chains along the walls, and a table with similar restraints.  I quickly left the observation room and entered the room proper.  I saw a mummy. No not the kind you'd find in a pyramid, but what appeared to be the remains of one of the former patients.  I gagged. His flesh was nearly eaten away by the smaller residents of this tomb.  He had on the remains of a jumpsuit, and the name Jones, over his right breast. "Well Jonesy, what brings you down here?” I told him my name, and stuck out my hand in a mock gesture. “Let's be friends.”

I swear I heard my name.  Not from the mummy, but from the hallway.  

I left my new friend in the floor where i found him and returned to the hallway.  A door shut farther down.  It was time to leave.  I returned to the stairs to get out, or at least where the stairs should have been, but there was nothing.  I searched in circles, wondering where they could have gone.  

The chains rattled in a yet unexplored room.  My head got dizzy.  I sat down.

The hallway got foggy.  Blurry.  I heard my name again, but just my last name.   I looked up and saw a strong man in all white grabbing me to my feet.  He and another equally strong man, drug me farther down the hallway, which was lit now.  The dripping was gone.  it was all blurry, i tried to speak, i tried to move, but i couldn't  We entered another room third man, in a long white coat ordered them to do something and i was strapped in a chair.  Non rusted.  Wrists, ankles and head were all restrained.

"what is your name"

I answered

"Why are you here?"

I just wanted to see what was down here?

The man in the long coat looked meaningfully at someone i couldn't see.

"are you sorry for what you've done"

yes, i'll leave

"you can't leave.  what if you hurt more people?"

i haven't hurt anyone, i swear.

"now we're back to this.  You must be sorry, we'll help you be sorry"

They all left, and a warm liquid started dripping on my hand.  A mild irritant at first, but as the minutes stretched on, it burned.  It rand down my hand, and dripped into a puddle on the floor.  within minutes my hand was on fire.  Hours the hand had been eaten away by whatever acid had been dripping there. I couldn't' see it, but i felt it was gone.  I felt the fingers fall off one by one, then the palm.

They returned.

"are you sorry?"

Yes, i pleaded.  I am so sorry, let me leave.

"Sorry for what?"

For whatever i did to deserve this.

"But what did you do?"

I came down here, i'm so sorry

"You didn't come down here.  We brought you here."

I was just exploring!

"I can see we have a lot to of work to do. Bring the drill."

The drill was brought, it slowly lowered down toward my nose.   

"Tell me why you're here.  I can save you."

I DON"T KNOW

"Tell me. This doesn't have to happen."

TELL YOU WHAT?

The drill was so close i could no longer focus on it.  I saw two drills approaching both noses.

"This is your last chance.  You can return to your family that's still alive.  Tell me why you're here"

I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T

The drilled hit the cartilage.  I blacked out.

It wasn't very hard for them to find me once the started looking.  My car was feet from the open grate. I came to strapped into the old metal chair.  In the same room as my buddy the corpse.  The cops wanted to know who came down with me, who had strapped me into the chair.  I didn't know.  I didn't tell them what i saw.

As they freed me from the chair, i glanced over at the dusty old mirror, in a flash i saw the room, clean, brightly lit, and a man wearing a jumpsuit with the name Jones, written above the left breast, strapped in the chair, with a drill slowly inching toward his face.

Climbing out of Hell

Depression.  It's real.  It sucks.  I've been struggling with it the last while.  Probably since the end of August.

It got pretty bad.  Drove me to start counseling again.  WHich is good.  But this last week, I've seen nudges that have helped me slowly climb out of this shadowland, where i'm surrounded by a voice of hate that seeks to bind me.

I just wanted to share them.  I know they may not mean as much to you.  But Bit by Bit these things helped me.

It started last Saturday in General Conference.  Elder Holland gave a great talk about depression.  He mentioned that if we are sick in the body we don't just think righteous living will fix it, and it shoudl be the same with the mind.  WE can have blessings, and medicine, and counseling to help us. 



It helped, but it was really a precursor to other events.

I recognized that reading a book, can help me with my depression.  So i started reading a book called Beyonders.  Nothing Spectacular, but i had stopped reading it for about 6 months.  And when i picked it up, certain passages seemed to be just what i needed to hear right now.--Actually writing this I see it was October 1st is.  It talked about how we need to see the entire choice we are making.  Instead of pretending that there is NOTHING good that could come from living a gay life. Look at see, what i would gain, and what i would lose, alsot to see what i would gain and what i would lose from living a celibate or mixed orientation marriage lifestyle. That was good, it helps to see reality and what I am giving up.

Anyway, as i reflect i see there has been help from God for the last several weeks.

Tuesday, the thinker won a contest for a powerful essay.  His essay was about struggle, and overcoming.  It was powerful.  He didn't actually win, but placed.  He just won in my head.

Thursday I planned on attending a play called Suessical a good friend called...Slayer was in.  I only expected it to be a fun play that i could take my niece and nephew to for a fun time. 

This good friend, messaged me before the show about how one of the songs had a special meaning for him, when he was going through a hard time.  it was

The message that we can feel alone in the universe.  But if we find just one true friend, it's ok...And my friend added that that friend was Christ.  He can be our one true friend in the universe.  Seeing this play was really the time i gained an upward momentum out of depression. 

Later i got to see another friend, the Trout,  He talked with me, and things were good.  He talkeda bout depression and how i deal with it.  So good to have a good friend.  Later we joined with Knees and Rex,and played some Mario Kart, and had pie and Nachos. 

This morning was feeling better, the voice was gone, but down.  I saw a powerful message of hope from the Voices of Hope project.  














And so now, i'm just feeling good.  The dark voice is silence.  and while i have rough times still, i am feeling better. Sure it's not forever.  and I'm sure i will still have rough times.  But it's been good.  For the first time in a long time I am feeling better.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about some of the powerful things i have seen this week, that seemed to be just for me.   Thanks to God and all my friends, who have helped me find light recently.

It means so much to be happier, to be out of the shame valley.   I'm glad.  Thanks be to God, and the world.