Dear 20 Year old me

Dear 20 year old me

I’m sorry man, but this has to stop.

I know you’re still inside me.  I feel your  fear whenever I try to deal with my ssa.  I know this isn’t what you thought life was going to be.  We promised to take this secret to our graves.  That no one would know, not now not ever. 

And I’ve broken that promise.  I’m sorry, but it was painful.  Keeping this all bottled up.  It’s been almost 4 years since I told my first friend, except for bishops or counselors.  It was hard but worth it.

I don’t want to have to fight you.  I realize my opinions have changed.  But I need you to get on board with this. Bet on board with the idea that it’s ok to talk to people about this, that it’s ok to seek help.  That it’s ok to have friends.

Look I know there are things to be careful about.  And concerns are good, but the path of isolation isn’t what God wants.  And isn’t that what led us to make that promise.  We thought God would cure us, save us, take this ugly thing away from us.

But he hasn’t, he might not ever take it away while we’re alive.

And so that means we need to find out how he wants us to deal with it, and…sorry buddy, but he doesn’t want us to be alone.  There are so many other people who have gone through what we are.  Why wouldn’t he want us to get strength from them.

So buddy, I know this is hard, but her are a few new promises I make to you.

God lives.  He loves us. 

We’re gonna stay in His Church, cause it is true.  Don’t worry buddy we’re not leaving it.

We’re gonna keep the law of chastity.

We’re gonna stay close to our family

We’re gonna get strength from friends, who deal with this and who may not.

And after all, isn’t that the important stuff.  We’ve changed a lot, we can’t hate gay people bro.  I don’t, and well, the part of you who does, has got to stay in the past.  It wasn’t a good part.   And you certainly can’t hate me.  K

This is a journey, and with all journeys there is some uncertainty.  I don’t know exactly how we’ll deal with this, but we’ll keep our promises.  Cause God loves us.  And those are the important ones.

Sincerly, 

Present Me

PS, We probably need to tell our family, but present me isn’t there yet.  We’ll let future us take care of that one.

PSS love ya bud.

Cya

I'll miss the mountain man.  Firends for 18 months, then good friends for 3.  he was kind to me.  Invited me to stuff, and didn't treat me as unmanly.  And when i gold him about sga he was chill with it.  good luck man.  Peace. 

Thanks God

That fireside rocked.   Can't overcome addiction with fear, just with love.  to take away the pain.

good sga council too

i'm so bless,  had Red come over.  a good hug.  good talk.  really helped  me come down off the fear and anxiety, and this fireside just continued that.

Who am I

this bloated wasted shell of man in agony.
twisted and contorted in teh way i see

this world so full of beauty now, but the beauty i sees forbidden wow

who am i

why must i fight and hate this other half of me
i don't do drugs or jack off now , i don't do porn or make out how

can i be, happily in this church i know is true,

when half of me sings praises to you the other half despises you, for keeping me away from love, you are the God above.

but it hurts, i hate myself the schism can't go on.

what can i do...to fill myself with love

Love this scripture!!

Isaiah 56:

“And let not the eunuch say, I am but a barren tree. For thus says the Lord: As for the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths and choose to do what I will–holding fast to my covenant–to them will I give a handclasp and a name within the walls of my house that is better than sons and daughters; I will endow them with an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.”
 

Found it on Ty Mansfields new  post

http://northstarlds.org/blog/2013/01/reprise-things-which-are-not-felt-which-are-true/

Let's not get bitter.  Whatever happens, getting bitter isn't a good response

you know the message i needed.  That i was not alone in this trial.  I didn't really understand that until i was 27, 28ish, when i found Northstar.  But looking back i can remember on my mission begging for some guidance or help, and that scripture coming to me in multiple ways.

The one "there is no temptation given unto you but is common to man"  and but God is faithful, and will provide a way .

If i could have internalized that when i was 20, it would have been better.  But i'm glad i've learned it now.